My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
