My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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