wanna go halves on a baby?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
