I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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