so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
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