You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
