Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize