Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
