ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
