You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
