3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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