Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
