at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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