By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
