My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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