i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
