my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
