I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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