Already got asked if we're dating
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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