I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
