i think my tv is drunk
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
