Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All the doctor said was why
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
