it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we made out on top of his cat.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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