I didn't shave. On purpose
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
