I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
