She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
