Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
