I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
