if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
