I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
