so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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