how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize