I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
