I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
