I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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