I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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