It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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