I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
