Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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