In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize