At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
