just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
