i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
