She went from zero to smokin in five shots
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
