Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
