8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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