Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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