Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Randomize
