I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
