thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
