I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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