is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize