i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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