I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
