Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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