sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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