No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
