the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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