Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
