she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
