Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
