I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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