My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
