Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
