I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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