I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
