Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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