Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
